Metahuman Seeks Employment

[Ryan002]

I am seeking employment in the banking sector.

Ideally, my employer must be willing to pay me large sums of money, give me a company car, provide job opportunities overseas, and find me with a secretary who makes a kick-ass cup of coffee. And looks hot.

Also, she must like video games, and there must be an Xbox 360, PS 3, and large plasma screen in my office. I will also need the latest iPhone, iPad, and assorted iThings, on which I will mostly download games (at my employer's expense), and kill productivity by sending Facebook game requests to the whole damn department.

My office must have a good view of Shenton Way, and the office auntie should preferably not be an auntie at all. The hot barista from Starbucks at UE Square is preferable for this position. The person cleaning my office should have at least 5 years experience as a stand-up comedian, in order to provide round-the-clock office entertainment.

Also, there must be a life size figure of Darth Maul outside my office door, because (1) he's cool, and (2) expresses what I will think of every proposal that comes into my in-box.

At the same time, employers should put up with my cynical attitude, dismissive outlook, and tendency to say f**k every two words. I also have a tendency to roll my eyes when CEOs who are foreign talent (I use the term 'talent' very liberally) come up with dumbass solutions based on bulls**t theories they learned in Harvard, Stanford, or any related dumb***k production factories.

It may seem like a bit much, but by funny coincidence, all the things that make lesser employees unproductive will make a senior management guru like me more productive.

I can probably contribute some sort of growth to my employer's ROI or whatever; it depends on how many big words I can find in business books to make a report. Oh and also, I will sleep with the chairman's daughter.

Wait, what's that? This is ridiculous?

It is?

Well WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOUR OWN CEO. Odds are, he's (and it will probably be a "he" in this country) NOT ALL THAT DIFFERENT. And if you actually RUN a big organization, maybe you ought to compare this list to the next dick that you hire.

I hope to hear from you soon.