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  #17671 (permalink)  
Old 29-08-2022, 04:44 PM
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My 12 hour work days are ruining my relationship

Iím a 5 year PQE funds lawyer working in big law. Iím currently working very closely with one of the firms top partners, for one of the firms biggest clients. Itís incredibly demanding and tough, fast paced, insane deadlines and turnaround times expected. Iím getting great feedback at work, that Iím doing a fantastic job but working is all Iím doing at the moment, I literally donít have a life outside of work and Iím not even maintaining my friendships.

I got engaged nearly a year ago and a running issue in my relationship, that is preventing any wedding planning in any sense, and making us both question the relationship, is that he is not ok with me doing the hours Iím doing and is constantly on my case about it and wants me to quit.

For context, my partner is really into the gym, health and fitness. Itís what he studied in college. Lately, he has expressed on numerous occasions that he is not ok with the fact that I donít work out or do anything other than work and he has even gone so far as to say that he will not stay in a relationship or consider having kids with me as I live such an unhealthy lifestyle working all the time.

Iím not overweight but could definitely be fitter. He argues that Iím just incredibly unhealthy as I work all the time, have no hobbies and he also thinks the amount I work prevents him from being more successful in his career as he picks up the slack at home, looking after the dog and cooking more meals.

I donít want to quit just yet as I feel like Iím getting fantastic experience and I donít feel like I know enough yet to go in house to say an asset management company.

I would love to hear from anyone who maybe experienced anything similar i.e. your partner is not ok with the hours you work and how you managed it, do I need to learn how to push back more and say no? (Iím bad bad bad at this but also it doesnít feel possible most of the time), has anyone went in-house and found life got easier with a better work life balance?

I would really love to go to the gym more and have a healthier lifestyle, but I canít seem to get the energy to go these days, thereís always something urgent that arrives in my inbox that turns the day upside down and going to the gym is the last thing on my mind when I work until 11 and am already thinking about starting work early again to get 2hours of work in before clients come online and Iím answering ďqueriesĒ for the day / putting out other ďurgentĒ fires.

Iím starting to feel like a complete failure, stressing about work non stop and my relationship failing. I need help and am lost.
Due to the crazy workload, many top lawyers are usually single or divorced. Those that are married usually settle down and start their families late (in their 40s when they are EP and have more rest time).

That said, your partner sounds superficial af. Of all things to pick on, he picks on your lack of gym attendance. If he has chosen a lawyer as his future partner, he should be aware that long working hours are the norm. For him to nitpick this and that now, sorry to say, he may already be having someone outside but simply doing this with the hopes that you dump him and he is free to branch to the next woman.

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  #17672 (permalink)  
Old 29-08-2022, 08:11 PM
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My 12 hour work days are ruining my relationship

Iím a 5 year PQE funds lawyer working in big law. Iím currently working very closely with one of the firms top partners, for one of the firms biggest clients. Itís incredibly demanding and tough, fast paced, insane deadlines and turnaround times expected. Iím getting great feedback at work, that Iím doing a fantastic job but working is all Iím doing at the moment, I literally donít have a life outside of work and Iím not even maintaining my friendships.

I got engaged nearly a year ago and a running issue in my relationship, that is preventing any wedding planning in any sense, and making us both question the relationship, is that he is not ok with me doing the hours Iím doing and is constantly on my case about it and wants me to quit.

For context, my partner is really into the gym, health and fitness. Itís what he studied in college. Lately, he has expressed on numerous occasions that he is not ok with the fact that I donít work out or do anything other than work and he has even gone so far as to say that he will not stay in a relationship or consider having kids with me as I live such an unhealthy lifestyle working all the time.

Iím not overweight but could definitely be fitter. He argues that Iím just incredibly unhealthy as I work all the time, have no hobbies and he also thinks the amount I work prevents him from being more successful in his career as he picks up the slack at home, looking after the dog and cooking more meals.

I donít want to quit just yet as I feel like Iím getting fantastic experience and I donít feel like I know enough yet to go in house to say an asset management company.

I would love to hear from anyone who maybe experienced anything similar i.e. your partner is not ok with the hours you work and how you managed it, do I need to learn how to push back more and say no? (Iím bad bad bad at this but also it doesnít feel possible most of the time), has anyone went in-house and found life got easier with a better work life balance?

I would really love to go to the gym more and have a healthier lifestyle, but I canít seem to get the energy to go these days, thereís always something urgent that arrives in my inbox that turns the day upside down and going to the gym is the last thing on my mind when I work until 11 and am already thinking about starting work early again to get 2hours of work in before clients come online and Iím answering ďqueriesĒ for the day / putting out other ďurgentĒ fires.

Iím starting to feel like a complete failure, stressing about work non stop and my relationship failing. I need help and am lost.

He's not worried about who you are now but what you may become in the future.

Let me be brutally honest. Very few guys want to be with fat or pudgy girls (unless they have a fat fetish). Simply put, of all the things a woman can do to not be unattractive, being "not fat" is like the most basic prerequisite. It's like having a PSLE cert. Literally the basic thing you need to do.

You're young now and your metabolism is high. Just wait for a few more years. The unhealthy lifestyle will catch up to you. He's also probably thinking how you will look after marriage and when you have kids. He's not going to stay with you if you let yourself go, which many women do after they think that they've secured a husband.

This is a guy who is looking at the future "you", not just the present "you". It is by all measures a laudable mindset.

So, stop making excuses and start changing your life. There are many women lawyers who're able to juggle work, family and maintaining their health and bodies. Stop hiding behind work. It's easy to hide behind how supposedly busy a lawyer's job is. But your bf can see thru your excuses - you're already 5PQE. At this level, you have some experience and skills to sufficiently manage your time by anticipating what's needed, managing workload expectations etc.

If you ask yourself honestly, for all the hours you put in your job, staying sedentary and unhealthy is probably the easiest thing for you right now - it's literally within your default comfort zone as you've had 5-6 years to get used to being always busy.

Make an effort to push out of this status quo if you value the relationship, otherwise he'll walk.

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  #17673 (permalink)  
Old 29-08-2022, 11:14 PM
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Does anyone ever consider WKW? Not sure if they are a proper intl but seems like they've been hiring mid to senior level based on linkedin
The industry knows this as a waste of time local firm in disguise - a bit like Dentons but maybe just a bit better. Avoid.

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  #17674 (permalink)  
Old 29-08-2022, 11:18 PM
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He's not worried about who you are now but what you may become in the future.

Let me be brutally honest. Very few guys want to be with fat or pudgy girls (unless they have a fat fetish). Simply put, of all the things a woman can do to not be unattractive, being "not fat" is like the most basic prerequisite. It's like having a PSLE cert. Literally the basic thing you need to do.

You're young now and your metabolism is high. Just wait for a few more years. The unhealthy lifestyle will catch up to you. He's also probably thinking how you will look after marriage and when you have kids. He's not going to stay with you if you let yourself go, which many women do after they think that they've secured a husband.

This is a guy who is looking at the future "you", not just the present "you". It is by all measures a laudable mindset.

So, stop making excuses and start changing your life. There are many women lawyers who're able to juggle work, family and maintaining their health and bodies. Stop hiding behind work. It's easy to hide behind how supposedly busy a lawyer's job is. But your bf can see thru your excuses - you're already 5PQE. At this level, you have some experience and skills to sufficiently manage your time by anticipating what's needed, managing workload expectations etc.

If you ask yourself honestly, for all the hours you put in your job, staying sedentary and unhealthy is probably the easiest thing for you right now - it's literally within your default comfort zone as you've had 5-6 years to get used to being always busy.

Make an effort to push out of this status quo if you value the relationship, otherwise he'll walk.
Why are you lambasting her for her boyfriendís inferior socio-economic status?

Clearly, the boyfriend is uncomfortable with her superiority that heís trying to suppress her in all ways. In fact, it sounds like the boyfriend has NPD. He blames her for his incompetence and inability to earn more, gaslights her and emotionally blackmails her.

Why should she give up what she enjoys and wants to do, and has worked so hard for, for this boyfriend who sounds too immature to handle the relationship with her? In fact, if she gives up what sheís doing for him, the likelihood of him dumping her is very high. Such men will not see her giving up what she loves for him as a form of sacrifice. He will think she ought to be grateful that sheís given a chance to keep him.

If she were my daughter, I would tell her not to walk, but RUN asap from this boyfriend from hell. If he values the relationship, he would not say all these hurtful stuff to her and entrap her with difficult decisions. She deserves a better, compatible and supportive boyfriend.
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  #17675 (permalink)  
Old 29-08-2022, 11:35 PM
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The industry knows this as a waste of time local firm in disguise - a bit like Dentons but maybe just a bit better. Avoid.
But they give out the atas vibe leh. Private client and HNW work. They play to their strengths.

Anybody remember the old khattarwong? Middling mid tier firm. They really got a boost after merging with the international side. At that time, even RHT (which formed from the split from Kw) was seen as up and coming. Now RHT gives out the SME mid-tier local firm vibe while WKW has a good enough reputation.
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  #17676 (permalink)  
Old 30-08-2022, 03:19 AM
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But they give out the atas vibe leh. Private client and HNW work. They play to their strengths.

Anybody remember the old khattarwong? Middling mid tier firm. They really got a boost after merging with the international side. At that time, even RHT (which formed from the split from Kw) was seen as up and coming. Now RHT gives out the SME mid-tier local firm vibe while WKW has a good enough reputation.
Good try to make it sound international.

But ďwithersĒ khattarwong pays LOWER than big4..

Donít even need to compre with the lower tiers International Firms like silver circle
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  #17677 (permalink)  
Old 30-08-2022, 10:27 AM
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Good try to make it sound international.

But ďwithersĒ khattarwong pays LOWER than big4..

Donít even need to compre with the lower tiers International Firms like silver circle
i think 2 liti teams are worth joining - one of them handles investment arbitration and the other gen lit/arbitration but well known in the industry to be a brilliant litigator.

If you do join these 2 liti/arbi teams, exit opportunities are aplenty.

Pay is low and may not be worth the trouble.
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  #17678 (permalink)  
Old 30-08-2022, 10:49 AM
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If you do join these 2 liti/arbi teams, exit opportunities are aplenty.
Lol please give example of someone who successfully left from these two teams to a top international outfit.
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  #17679 (permalink)  
Old 30-08-2022, 12:06 PM
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i think 2 liti teams are worth joining - one of them handles investment arbitration and the other gen lit/arbitration but well known in the industry to be a brilliant litigator.

If you do join these 2 liti/arbi teams, exit opportunities are aplenty.

Pay is low and may not be worth the trouble.
Brilliant litigator? Investment arbitration? Are you sure you have the right firm? WKW does mostly low rent stuff which is then hyped up on linkedin to sound much more than it really is. Pay is low and prospects grim.
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  #17680 (permalink)  
Old 30-08-2022, 12:18 PM
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Brilliant litigator? Investment arbitration? Are you sure you have the right firm? WKW does mostly low rent stuff which is then hyped up on linkedin to sound much more than it really is. Pay is low and prospects grim.
Corp pay is on international scale and way above big 4. Liti side pays local rates.
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